For Kent State alumna, Claudia Surrena, words of affirmation aren’t just a concept, but rather a meaningful way she and her boyfriend communicate and feel valued in their relationship.  

What may seem like a small shift in communication has reshaped the way that Surrena and her boyfriend Graham Alvarez understand and support one another. 

“Knowing each other’s love languages allows us to dive deeper into that intimacy value and learn how to love each other better in a sense,” Surrena explained. “Even if it wasn’t how we thought we wanted to be loved, they allow us to expand our horizons and be there for one another in ways we didn’t expect to be able to.” 

Surrena and Alvarez have been dating for a little over three years and have spent a good deal of their relationship long-distance, as Alvarez attends school and plays soccer in Germany. 

With miles between the two, their love languages play a central role in how they express care and reassurance. 

The five love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch and receiving gifts represent the different ways people give and receive love. 

Surrena says that her top two love languages include acts of service and words of affirmation, while Alvarez leans more towards physical touch and quality time. 

“Quality time is also up there for me, but I think words of affirmation is my biggest one just because we’re long distance, so that’s the easiest attainable love language in the sense,” Surrena said. 

Professor of communication studies Erin Hollenbaugh says that when one learns about words of affirmation they often think of a global praise to another individual, whether that involves a friend, family member or partner. 

“They’re like ‘Oh that’s easy. Words of affirmation. I’ll just tell you you’re great, you’re hot, you’re fun, you’re so smart,’” said Hollenbaugh, who teaches at the Stark campus. “I think one of the common misinterpretations is that it’s that simple, when really you should be a little more detail oriented. What was the thing that was great?” 

Surrena says that having different love languages has taught the two how to better understand and appreciate how the other prefers to give and receive love. 

“It was a learning curve, because I’m not a super touchy-feely person, but I feel like as I’ve been with him longer, I’ve been able to kind of branch out and do that,” Surrena said. “And I feel like he’s been able to do the same.” 

Drawing from her research on love languages, communication studies professor Nichole Egbert emphasizes that differences like these are not only common but natural in relationships. 

“People, depending on the situation, do value lots of different kinds of things to maintain relationships,” Egbert shared. “And your partner doesn’t have to have the same one as you, but I think it’s important to be clear about what you’re missing.” 

Egbert stresses the importance of communication when partners have different love languages. Without it, misunderstandings can easily turn these small differences into tension, rather than an opportunity for growth. 

While Surrena feels that she and Alvarez have a healthy understanding of love languages in their relationship, she believes that some people treat them more like personality traits rather than a communication tool, with physical touch and quality time as the two biggest misunderstood love languages. 

“I used to think that I was a quality time girly, but then after being in a long-term relationship, I realized that I do value quality time, and it not being my top one doesn’t mean I don’t value it,” Surrena said. 

For junior childhood education major Reilly Ullom, quality time plays a central role in her relationship, serving as both her and her boyfriend’s primary love language. 

Ullom and her boyfriend, Josh Michael, have spent a little over a year and a half together, and their shared emphasis on quality time has helped them build a strong foundation in their relationship by simply spending time with one another.  

Still, Ullom recognizes that not all people may approach love languages the same way. 

“I feel like on social media, a lot of people that say their love language is acts of service or gift giving or something like that, and they rely on that and think that their partner should always be doing that,” Ullom explained. “And I don’t think that’s the case, I think that it’s a way to show that you’re thinking about them and that you see them, but I don’t think that you should be doing that all of the time.” 

Egbert notes that placing too much emphasis on love languages can oversimplify a relationship, and suggests a framework like social exchange theory, which focuses on how individuals weigh the costs and rewards in a relationship, to better understand how partners give and receive love in relationships. 

She notes, however, that love languages can get twisted into unhealthy dynamics and may give super self-focused people a new framework to apply their narcissism. 

“Most people don’t know social exchange theory, so they don’t have that language to be like, ‘Hm, I think that this relationship is not equitable, that you’re profiting more than I am,’” Egbert said. “That’s not in the everyday vocabulary, but love languages are.” 

Ullom said that love languages serve as a helpful tool when you truly understand the other person in the relationship, but reading too much into them or relying too heavily on one can complicate the relationship. 

Surrena reflects on her own experience, noting that understanding and adapting to a partner’s needs over time remains just as important as knowing their love language. 

“Be open to learning what each other’s love languages are, and also how you want to be loved,” Surrena said. “And also be open to the fact that it’s not going to stay the same, it’s going to change throughout your relationship.” 

Egbert and Hollenbaugh both noted that a person’s love language can change over time depending on the given circumstance, with one major factor stemming from starting a family. 

Hollenbaugh observed this idea from her own experience. 

“A very common one that we see in research is that before you have kids, a lot of times people are very responsive to physical touch,” Hollenbaugh said. “But then when you have small children in your life, they always want to touch you.” 

Hollenbaugh goes on to say that because of this, a lot of young parents, mothers in particular, might respond less to the physical touch due to constant contact, so they may prefer a different love language to satisfy their needs. 

Ultimately, experiences like these demonstrate that love languages are less about strict definitions, but more about growing and finding new ways to support each other over time. 

“I was never a huge physical touch person, but with Graham I don’t mind giving hugs anymore,” Surrena said. “Love languages have taught me how to love not only my partner, but others as well.” 

Drew Berkshire is a reporter. Contact her at [email protected].