“Oh the red and green a’mayo, I can see it still.”

That’s right boys and girls, tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day, and who better to explain the greatest day of the year than an Italian.

In between the pasta with meatballs, bad Mafia references and greasy hair, this Italian has all the information you could ever want on ol’ St. Patty’s glorious festivities.

However, before we get to the real important stuff we must clarify a few things first. For instance, if you’re Irish and believe that Patty’s day is your birth right, but you don’t know what song I started this column with – put the green beer down.

Look up the Saw Doctors and call me when you need food coloring.

If you love the leprechaun but can’t tell me what St. Patrick drove out of Ireland – put the green beer down.

And it’s snakes for those Italians out there still wondering why a paisan is writing about a day of Irish debauchery. Oh meee lordy they were eating all the potatoes.

OK, so now that we have the bare minimum taken care of, allow me to explain why St. Patrick’s Day should be more important than Thanksgiving, Halloween and Valentine’s Day combined.

Everybody’s Irish.

That’s right, not just some slogan to get people in the mood, just a simple fact that Irishmen straight off the boat will tell you. The true Irish love to celebrate, and the more the merrier.

You don’t need a turkey, you don’t need a mask and you’ll end up forgetting your date anyway. All you need to do is put your arm around the person standing next to you and yell horrible things about the English.

For those of you who are actually English, you’ve got the other 364 days of the year to gripe.

Now to truly partake in Patty’s Day you must have the right setting. For this we limit ourselves to three cities – New York, Savannah and Chicago. Notice I didn’t say Boston, where this columnist will be spending his St. Patrick’s Day running from swarms of Red Sox fans.

Of course we can’t expect Kent to move itself closer to one of these cities, so instead we’ll work on how to make the local scene a bit better. Grab something green, start high and work your way down. Walls, cars, street posts – if you can see it, cover it.

Next find the best marching band in the county, throw them in a kilt and march them down Main Street for six hours. And don’t forget the adorable little baton twirlers with the pigtails and shamrock cheeks. They are a must have.

Then you need fire trucks with sirens blaring. Forget the police, Pattie’s Day is all about firefighter’s – just make sure they keep their hands off your date.

Of course you forgot about your date, right?

Now I’m running out of time here so I’ll leave you with one last bit of guidance. There is only one allowed food item that can be eaten on St. Patrick’s Day, and that’s pizza.

But what do I know, I’m Italian.

James Everetts is a broadcast news major and a columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected].