After four months together, senior interior design major Alex Sroka’s relationship ended abruptly, leaving her confused and struggling to heal. 

Her ex ended things, believing they were no longer a match. 

Before he ended things, the two went on a date. 

“It was a great date,” Sroka said. “We went out for lunch, he got me flowers, we went for a walk in the park. It was great.” 

This sudden shift left Sroka feeling confused about what she could have done wrong. 

She found herself replaying moments in her mind, questioning her actions and wondering if she could have changed the outcome. 

“I low-key tend to self-sabotage,” Sroka said. “I just pushed it off to the side and pretended I was fine, when deep down inside, I was very sad.” 

According to psychologist Jenn Grzegorek, early on in a breakup, a mix of emotions often arise. 

“It is not a linear process, but many people do experience a process similar to grief,” said Grzegorek, who is a group services coordinator for Counseling and Psychological Services. “Where at first they may feel shocked, and often right after the breakup they will tend to feel intense sadness or longing.” 

Grzegorek added that the ultimate goal after a breakup involves reaching a place of gradual acceptance, but people may cycle through a range of emotions before getting there. 

“It was very up and down,” Sroka said. “I would be good one minute, then at night I would be like, ‘Dang, I kind of miss that guy.’” 

The inconsistency in Sroka’s emotions made it difficult to let go, especially since she and her ex eventually reached a point where they could speak causally to one another. 

At first, maintaining that connection felt natural, but it quickly became complicated.  

Staying in contact blurred the boundaries between moving on and holding on, making it hard for her to process the end of the relationship. 

“I kind of knew that I could not let this guy go if I keep talking to him like this,” Sroka said. 

To create distance, Sroka deleted his number and blocked him, choosing to prioritize herself. 

Grzegorek noted the importance of cutting off contact with an ex when healing from a breakup, which includes lurking on someone’s social media. 

“Even just looking at the person’s profile, even if you don’t respond, can be activating of those emotions and kind of delay some of the healing,” Grzegorek said. 

Sroka said she usually doesn’t have an issue showing emotion in front of her friends, but this breakup felt different. 

“It was my own issues where I felt like I had to be okay,” Sroka said. “I was feeling like, ‘Oh it’s not that serious, it’s just a breakup.’” 

She said that her self-criticism led her to not fully allow herself to feel that vulnerable in front of her friends. 

Once a couple months passed after the breakup, Sroka felt comfortable enough to open up to her two closest friends. 

While Sroka began confiding in her friends, junior environmental and conservation biology major Travis Arbogast took a different approach. 

Arbogast didn’t feel as comfortable talking about his breakup to his friends, often keeping his emotions to himself and avoiding these conversations altogether. 

“It’s just hard to bring up something that I know is going to put like the sole focus on me and something that I’m probably going to be getting sympathy for,” Arbogast said. “Sometimes it just feels selfish to bring it up.” 

Arbogast said that he processed his breakup more internally, partly because his friends weren’t as familiar with his ex. 

“In order to really talk about that, I had to give the whole background,” Arbogast said. 

Sroka, on the other hand, reflected on her breakup more externally. 

“I didn’t want to sit alone with my feelings,” Sroka said. “So, I tried to hang out with as much people as I could and go out as much as I could to ignore everything on the inside.” 

While some process emotions openly, Grzegorek mentioned common signs that someone might rely on distractions to cope. 

“A person is always busy, never allowing themselves to be alone with their thoughts, jumping quickly into another relationship can be another way to avoid the feelings of the breakup,” Grzegorek said. “Numbing behaviors can be involved, like using substances or saying you’re fine, but really not being fine on the inside.” 

These patterns often reflect broader differences in how men and women approach healing. 

“I think it’s important to say that individual differences matter much more than gender alone,” Grzegorek said. “That said, there are broad patterns that are shaped by socialization that can affect how men and women process things.” 

Sroka believes that her healing process matched societies expectations, noting that she was very upset about the breakup at first, but overtime she began to accept it. 

For Arbogast, he also felt his experience aligned with those expectations, but in a different way. 

“I was distraught over it immediately, then I had my rebounds, not with another person, but mentally I would be like, ‘Okay, she was right. I’m going to get my shit together and lock in,’” Arbogast said. “Life is still hard at the end of the day and shit hits you.” 

Grzegorek explained that healing comes from small, consistent steps rather than big changes. 

“The same things for wellness, get good sleep, making sure you’re eating, trying to get some exercise,” Grzegorek said. “Try to talk to at least one support person if possible.” 

She goes on to mention that for some people, writing down thoughts helps, along with setting a small goal for each day. 

“Even things like I’m going to do laundry today, or I’m going to attend class today if they aren’t already, those can be helpful when things feel overwhelming,” Grzegorek said. 

These small actions serve as anchors during difficult times, giving people a sense of control while they work through their emotions. 

“Allow yourself to feel everything,” Sroka said. “Don’t put a time limit on yourself. Healing takes time. It’s not something that is going to happen overnight.”

Drew Berkshire is a reporter. Contact her at [email protected].