Many people believe you have to love yourself first before you can love others. Going into my sophomore year of college, I had never been in a relationship or anything close to one. I had a very unrealistic idea of what self-love and relationships were.

I thought that self-love was this mystical thing that some people could attain once they really knew themselves and put a lot of effort into bettering themselves. I thought that self-love was something you achieve once you become the best version of yourself. I was not there yet. My little insecurities – like my blonde eyebrows – had a hold on me. Socially, I always put other people’s happiness and needs before my own.

I thought relationships were scary and that you had to love yourself before you could have one. I never understood how someone could love everything about someone, even their flaws. I could never wrap my head around that.

When I first spent time with my partner, I went over to their house to watch TV and meet their cat. I kid you not, I sat on the opposite side of the couch. I hardly made eye contact, I was dripping in sweat and my face was bright red the entire time, but they made me feel comfortable and eased my anxiety.

Throughout our relationship, I began to become more confident in my skin. I didn’t need to wear makeup every time I went out of the house. I wore what I wanted. Eye contact became less intimidating. I had this realization that if this beautiful, flawed person could love me for me, and I could love them for them, why couldn’t I love myself the same way?

I walk by people every day and the first thing I notice about them is never negative, so why do I look or think about myself negatively?

Self-love looks different for everyone. Self-love is not something that is constant. It’s something that comes and goes. It’s something you practice and work on. There are different practices of self-love and finding practices that work best for you is important. Some examples of practices are keeping a gratitude journal, complimenting yourself and limiting time on social media.

You can work on self-love and get to a place where you do love yourself, but there will be times when you feel insecure or have negative thoughts. That’s normal. Self-love is not something you achieve. It’s an ongoing process and has difficulties.

I’ve gotten to a place in my life where I feel comfortable in my own skin and speak up for myself. I’m working on prioritizing and trusting myself. I’m constantly working on bettering myself and I can love others while doing it.

Rachel Chapuis is an opinion writer. Contact her at [email protected].