Statistics show Kent State students who dream of fame would most benefit by dropping out now. Drew Carey, Chrissie Hynde, Joe Walsh and Michael Keaton all enrolled at Kent State and left before commencement. While some of their success may be based on talent, talent isn’t teachable. So I’ve dedicated this column to step one on your road to future glory.

I like to call it: How to flunk out faster than your friends.

Contrary to belief, failing out of college isn’t easy. There’s probation and forgiveness; there are second chances and appellate courts. Failure must be aspired to at the collegiate level. If you stick by the following sure-fire tips, you’ll be on your way to red-carpet parties in no time.

First, don’t have a plan. Enroll undecided — or as we call it, exploratory — and cram your schedule full of boring LERs. Sign up only for things you didn’t know existed or make you physically ill. This way you’re certain to loathe your schedule, and you’ll easily skip.

Be sure to show up on the first day of class — just so your professors know there wasn’t a clerical error – then forget to attend for the rest of the semester. If, on the first day, you find yourself the least bit interested, drop said class and start again.

For extracurricular activities, there are two schools of thought. One recommends avoiding all organizations, so your social life is as boring as your academic career. The second suggests becoming so involved you don’t have time for class. I prefer the second, if for no other reason than making connections. You never know when the girl in Math Club is going to drop out and produce whatever film deal you’re trying to land. As they say in the biz: It’s not who you know; it’s who you failed out of college with.

By now, steps one and two should have you well on your way to a 0.00 grade point average. If you’re really pressed for time, however, there are a few more fail-proof secrets to employ.

1. Party every night. Mix as many different alcohols as you can get your hands on. Nothing spells hangover like melting-pot drunk. And if you’re lucky enough to spot any faculty or administration while you’re out, be sure to throw up on or near them. This way, not only will you fail, you’ll be remembered.

2. Sleep with as many of your professors as you can. Afterward, tell them, the student newspaper and all your friends how bad they were. The beauty of this is – due to the inherent insecurity of human beings — it works equally well for both guys and girls.

3. If all else fails, commit a felony. Crossing the law is perhaps the fastest way to get kicked out of school. If you’re lucky enough to spot any faculty or administration while you’re committing the felony, be sure to vomit on or near them for the same reason stated above.

I think it is only fair to mention that you don’t actually have to drop out to be famous. Joshua Cribbs, Arsenio Hall and a member of Devo all graduated from our fine university and received their share of notoriety.

I guess the question at the end of the day is: Would you rather wear a flower pot on your head and run back kickoffs for the Browns, or write “Hotel California” and drive the Bat Mobile? That, my friends, you’ll have to decide for yourselves.

Ryan Houk is a junior English major and columnist for the Summer Kent Stater. Contact him at [email protected].