Every year around this time, I sit back and think, “God, I’m happy I’m a Browns fan.”

I’m not being sarcastic either. Sure, Browns fans are contractually obligated to hate the Super Bowl, but not because we’re bitter.

Outsiders think it’s because we haven’t been in a title game since 1964. Those outsiders are mistaken. The Browns haven’t played in the Super Bowl because they don’t want to. Why? Many reasons: It’s lame. Times were simple and football was pure back in the Browns’ heyday. The championship game was simply called the NFL Championship.

The Browns competed for the title and won it four times because it actually meant something. Winners of the title game became the “NFL champs.”

What do the winners of the Super Bowl become? What does Super Bowl even mean? Sounds like a lame product sold at 4 a.m. on the Food Network.

Last time I checked, sports were about crowning champions, not tossing salads.

Sellouts play in the Super Bowl. The NFL Championship is like hearing an unknown band you really like. The NFL Championship has an underground sound you hold close to your heart. The lyrics are powerful, and the music touches your soul. It’s a band only you know about.

The Super Bowl is like when that same band gives a high five to Damien Fahey on “Total Request Live” and debuts their latest single as a horde of pre-pubescent girls scream and wave “I heart the Super Bowls” signs. The Super Bowl is the sellout version of the NFL Championship. The Browns don’t need that crap.

Historical precedent. The Browns announced in a press conference in 1966 that winning a game called the “Super Bowl” was lame and they would have no part of it. Look it up.

I believe it was Paul Brown who said, “The Super Bowl is the dumbest game ever created. I hope the team named after me never wins it.”

Coach Brown didn’t stop there. In his memoirs Brown (he didn’t actually write this) revealed these deeply felt sentiments:

“I’m serious; the Super Bowl is the stupidest name for a championship game ever. I boycott it for life. I pray the football gods hear my pleas. Even if the Browns find themselves in a spot to go to the Super Bowl, I hope a big-gummed goober drives 98 yards to beat them. And if somehow the Browns get back the next year and play that same team, I hope the most trustworthy and hard-working member on the Browns botches a play at the very end. Hell, I hope the team moves to a different city just to avoid it. Hopefully, all this pain will remind Clevelanders why the Super Bowl is dumb.”

It’s evil. Look at the teams that win the Super Bowl. The Steelers have five wins, former idiotic Browns head coach Bill Belichick has three, the aforementioned big-gummed goober has two and the human incarnation of pure evil (Art Modell) has one. Why does everything anti-Browns win a Super Bowl? Because the Super Bowl itself is evil. Think about it.

Stay strong, Browns fans. I know the Super Bowl is in year 41 and shows no signs of going back to its roots. I know most other teams have moved on, sold out and at least participated in the game- but that’s not what we’re all about. If every team in the league jumped off a bridge, would you do it?

Actually, don’t answer that … stay away from bridges.

Contact Chris Crowell at [email protected].