Dear Lester Lefton & Friends,

I know y’all get super excited when you brainstorm new ways to waste tuition dollars, but I beg of you — for the sake of all students and faculty alike — please have mercy upon the poor, wretched peasants in your kingdom who only ask for your love.

I have to give you credit, though. I know you probably don’t have to construct tents over your paperwork while the ceiling leaks in your office, so I was pleasantly surprised when the budget for proposed renovations was shared and I saw that it included a large sum of money for the decaying art building which I call home (and, of course, for the other needy recipients). My ecstatic moment of joy, however, was short-lived as I came to find out that you were also planning on expanding the already excessive Risman Plaza project. Tears came to my eyes as I was harshly reminded of your sick means of affection, and I pondered what we had done to deserve this cruel punishment.

It always struck me as odd that you seem to value inclusiveness and attracting quality students, but don’t mind losing the quality students you already have to more fees and higher costs in favor of relatively meaningless projects intended to improve only the appearance of the campus. I have to give you credit again, though. Convincing a large population of people that all is well is never an easy task, and I admire your evident creativity that you have used to do just that. For instance, those precious, expensive propaganda posters of unidentified, used-without-permission images of students spread across campus. And, my favorite, the “You belong here” slogan and “Kent State University is energized for change!”

“So, Amy,” you may ask, “if our methods are flawed and misguided and our budgeting unreasonable, what do you suggest we do?” Well, first, I’d have to ask you for half a million dollars. I cannot be expected to make such executive decisions at any lesser price. Think of it. I could spend this money on textbooks, rent and maybe have enough left to pay off my student debt!

Secondly, I’d suggest you adopt the honesty-is-the-best-policy policy. No more beating around the bush. I understand our demands for affordable higher education so that we may someday find jobs, support ourselves and stimulate the economy can be quite annoying and pathetic at times. But I think it would be wise, on those bad days when your ears are ringing from our sharp cries and your consciences troubled with guilt, obligation and maybe feelings of incompetence, that instead of constructing a massive clock tower to reflect the glory of your… institution, you merely send out one of those weekly ‘In A Flash’ updates that says, in big, bold, black letters, “FUCK YOU!” Both options clearly demonstrate your feelings for us, but one is significantly more cost-effective.

With love,

Amy Breedon

Amy Breedon is a sophomore visual communication design major and guest columnist for the Daily Kent Stater. Contact her at [email protected].