“Epic Meal Time” is an online sensation featuring Canadians cooking ridiculously high-fat food (and lots of bacon). Their ingredients have featured everything from turtles to fast food to ****ing quail. These meals may look tougher than Muscles Glasses, but Kent is the perfect location to collect ingredients for one of their first creations, the Fast Food Pizza.

How to Make a Fast Food Pizza

Step 1: Collecting Ingredients

Buy your favorite type of cheese.

Order:

A Crunchwrap Supreme from Taco Bell (805 E. Main Street.)

A Baconator and fries from Wendy’s (515 E. Main Street.)

A Big Mac and 6 piece Chicken McNuggets from McDonald’s (1280 S. Water Street.)

A Teen Burger and onion rings from A&W (1124 W. Main Street.)

Popcorn chicken from KFC (4420 Kent Road, Stow.)

A large cheese pizza from your favorite pizza place.

Step 2: Assembling the pizza.

Take your cheese pizza. Put the Crunchwrap Supreme in the center of that bitch. Cover that bad boy all over with the McNuggets, popcorn chicken, and French fries. Put the Big Mac, Baconator, and Teen burger around the Crunchwrap. Top with onion rings and then your cheese. Don’t be afraid to get sloppy.

Step 3: Cooking

Put it in the oven at 350 degrees for 12 minutes.

Step 4: Conquer the beast

Do not be greedy bastards; invite your friends to this feast. We suggest accompanying the meal with Jack Daniel’s, Patron, or Four Loko (if that’s still legal where you live). It’s what the “Epic Meal Time” guys would do.

Too lazy to cook? Kent has some meals so epic that they could probably satisfy Harley Morenstein himself.

Mike’s Place is known for being an emporium for all things greasy, fried, sweet, salty and delicious. However, two of their meals are just ahead of the pack. The Hog Wild Horseshoe is French fries topped with pulled pork, barbeque sauce, cheddar sauce, and, of course, bacon. They recently added his little brother to the menu, The Hog Wild Mother Clucker. It is French fries topped with chicken tenders, ranch, hot sauce, coleslaw, cheese and bacon. Tyler Etter, freshman exploratory, said, “It is a salad for men.”

Guys Pizza Co.’s name suggests that they have food for hardy appetites and they do not disappoint. Their biggest pizza is the New Yorker, a pizza that is 24 inches in diameter. A pizza where each slice is a foot long? We think that’s ****ing smart. We suggest topping it with bacon.

Contact

Lyndsey Schley at [email protected].