Dear Kent State Athletics,

I hope this letter finds you well. I’m sure you’re very busy, and for good reason. You need to find a football coach!

I saw on the press release you put out about the vacancy that you’d be conducting a “national search” in finding your head coach, which is understandable, as there are some big coaching names out there. Butch Jones, Bret Bielema, Kevin Sumlin and Jim Mora are all looking for new coaching homes. Hell, maybe you can even try to wiggle Nick Saban away from Alabama. (He did go here, you know.)

But I’m here to tell you that the most qualified candidate for the vacancy is already residing in Kent.

Me.  

Now, I know what you’re thinking. How could a junior journalism major who didn’t even play Pop Warner football be a good choice for a Division I coach?

And that’s understandable.

But I have experience from the one place where it matters: Madden NFL ‘08 for the Nintendo GameCube.

I turned the Browns into a perennial powerhouse using trick plays and the Steelers’ defensive playbook. On the “All-Pro” difficulty, nonetheless! We’re talking wide receiver passes, double reserves and naked bootlegs on punt attempts. There’ll be so many trick passes that the defense will thrown off when they see a halfback dive. On defense, I have two words for you: jailbreak blitzes. As coach Yost said in “Remember the Titans”: “You blitz … all night!”

It’s no secret Kent State football doesn’t have the best track record, but that’s OK. You need to have adversity to have a comeback.

My first order of business as coach will be bringing back some famous Kent State football alumni. Not as coaches, but as players. That’s right, we’ll have Josh Cribbs at quarterback throwing to Julian Edelman in the slot with Dri Archer busting out big runs and Roosevelt Nix serving as his lead blocker. On defense we’ll have James Harrison, which is all you really need.

Earlier, I mentioned my experience, or lack thereof. And while I’ve never put on a pair of football pads, the accomplishments that I have accrued since I’ve come to Kent State are impressive.

My freshman year I helped lead my intramural football team to a playoff upset of the No. 1 seed, and I’ve started at quarterback the past two years for The Kent Stater in the Media Bowl against TV2. This year I threw, caught and ran for a touchdown.

I’ll be sure to send my tape to you at a later date.  

If I am named coach, I have two demands.

First, we become a Nike school. Nothing against Under Armour, but there’s nothing better than the swoosh. Also, the last time Kent State made it to a bowl game in 2013, we were sponsored by Nike. Since we’ve become an Under Armour school, we’ve gone 5-19. Coincidence?

I think not.

Secondly, give me a lifetime supply of Fresco. I’m a big fan of those burritos.

Again, it’s understandable if you open the search up nationally. It’ll probably look better for both sides. I’ll be here waiting, completing another 15-1 season with the Browns on Madden NFL ‘08, running nothing but double passes.

I look forward to your response.

Henry Palattella is the sports editor. Contact him at [email protected].